My Life, At Present

"It’s just another season" …that’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself these days. You see, I’ve been feeling rather trapped in my day to day to life, wondering, “what am I really going to do with my life?” Surely God won’t have me selling apples for the rest of my life, will He? Surely one day I’ll be living my adventurous life somewhere overseas, feeding starving infants and teaching small children about Jesus.

I have such big dreams….most of them are pretty crazy. Sometimes at night I can’t sleep because I’m so excited about what God is going to do in my life! Needless to say, my life had felt pretty dull recently. I’ve struggled with feeling satisfied with my present situation. I guess I got into the wrong mindset that unless I’m serving the Lord somewhere in a third world country I am wasting my time. This is, of course, ridiculous because not everyone will become missionaries away from home.  There is work to be done everywhere!  There are people next door that need Jesus. There are schools that need teachers who are strong enough to stand up to the lies and tell children the truth. There are churches that are dead. There are people in the city that are hungry and abused.  God’s work is never out of reach, for anyone.  There are no excuses; there is no lack of opportunity.  The real tragedy is that I have been sitting around waiting for something seemingly “dramatic “to fall into my lap when there is suffering everywhere.

In every adventure there comes a time where the obvious path ends and so we must begin to blaze our own trail. You never know quite where it will lead you. I’m anxious to see where mine will take me once I’ve begun to blaze it! But for now, my path is quite clear; I am to submit to my parents and try my best to become a godly young woman, searching after God’s own heart. I am not to waste my life with the busy nothings that this life has to offer; instead I am to spend my every breath glorifying Christ with my actions. I should anxiously seek to know him better and begin to prepare myself for the life He has for me. I am to spread His praises and not be ashamed of the King I serve. I am to be thankful of where God has graciously put me and never doubt His goodness.

But I have to wonder, where will I be in ten years? Once I am completely grown and must make decisions on my own. What will be like? What day to day struggles will I face? Will I literally be blazing trails through some unnamed jungle? Will I be teaching children in Africa the name of Jesus? Will I still live in the States and support God’s work through my prayers and financial endeavors? Will I be a wife and mother?  I long to live an adventures life, the kind most people would be afraid of. I want to do dangerous things for the sake of the gospel. I want to move mountains! I want to save lives. I have spent so much time praying about my life. I truly want to do what will bring God the most glory. I have this fire in me about the whole thing…of course it is partly because I’m so excited, but really, I don’t want to let this go. When I was younger, right after I was saved, I had similar feelings. I had a real burden for children that were abused and starving. I wanted to love them and tell them about God. I want to teach them, clothe them, feed them and save them from people who would hurt them. I was (and still am) sure that God was calling me to a life like this. I resolved to give my entire life to helping children who didn’t have all the blessing I had been given. But slowly, over the years, my passion got pushed out by my selfishness. I started to imagine a life much easier. I thought of having a career. I thought of making a perfect little world for myself and the family I was sure I would have. The impossibility of what I had always planned to do scared me. The fact that I would have to leave all the comforts I was use to, the thought that people would reject me, that they would hate me. The thought of seeing people suffering and at times being helpless to do anything… it was thoughts like this (and much more) that made me pretty much put off my plans and I began to selfishly seek my own happiness. I thought I would still serve the Lord, just not in the way that I truly believed He was calling me to.

Well, that kept up until recently. I began to remember what passion I had once had. The dreams and screams and motivations I had previously had. I don’t remember exactly what I did with the feelings at first...I probably ignored them to some degree. But gradually, these thoughts began claiming more and more of my thoughts. I had difficulty sleeping at night because I couldn’t stop imagining suffering horrific suffering and sometimes even dreams. I began to pray. I began to see my selfishness. I told my dad, he told me to pray more. I went to camp and the first sermon Paul Washes preached contained a statement something very close to this, “There are children who are naked and staving, if God is telling you to help them then do it!” I really felt like God just set it right there for me to see. He showed me what he wants for my life. Of course I don’t know exactly what it will look like or where I will be, but God brought me this far and I know I can trust him to bring me the rest of the way.

I know there will probably be many more sleepless nights to come, and a whole lot more prayer. I know God has put me where I am at this time to sanctify me and continue teaching me just how much I need him! I just pray that I will, in the future, be much more willing to obey His call to follow Him. God is the best thing I can possibly imagine and not following His voice is just crazy! I have to follow my Lord, the sustainer of my life. The one who loves me and has promised that I will be with Him forever! And it’s that love that I pray will carry me through the darkest jungles that I will have to face.

P.S. I know my train of thought is not very consistent...and I rambled a whole lot…but these are some of the thoughts that have been running through my head for the last six months or so and I had to get them down on paper.